Seeing is Knowing
As we head into 2010, I’ve contemplated my past, and consider my intentions for the New Year. Notice I say intentions, not resolutions. I don’t need to resolve with finality, but instead I have some firm intentions that I hope lead to discovery. After all, seeing is knowing, and I aim to avoid believing.
Yosemite
When I was around 8, I realized that to rely on belief was insubstantial and unsatisfying. For that reason, I rejected the religion I’d been brought up in and happily sat within the realm of non-belief. Yet, many years later, though I enjoyed the discovery processes of science and all there was to learn (and I still do), I felt a lacking in my life, hovering in the back of mind. Though my natural temperament is generally “happy”, I didn’t feel as engaged in my life as I could be.
Books on spirituality jumped out at me. I avoided religious materials as I saw no reason to go in that direction, but something about the word spiritual struck a chord. I set out on a journey for “truth” for that special something I couldn’t quite name. I pursued several areas in metaphysics, had some really bizarre and interesting experiences, but all of that seemed always to deal with areas outside of physical life, areas of the unknown. While all that was intriguing, that something, that internal itch just wasn’t being scratched.
When I stumbled upon Buddhism, quite literally after falling down a ladder and having a friend recommend I Google mindfulness, I felt drawn to this “religion.” I was intrigued by the Buddha’s claim that all life is suffering, yet there was a way out. I didn’t feel like I was suffering, but I was interested in his claim that I was. In addition, I felt it compelling that all the teachings, and the teachers explaining the teachings, ended with, “Don’t believe me. I don’t want you to develop yet another view. I want you to see for yourself, to know what I say is true.” Seeing is knowing, not believing. Hmmm . . . .
I set out on what has now been a 7 year journey through Buddhist territory. Mindfulness was not only intriguing, but I felt drawn to it and benefited as soon as I started practicing. Meditation turned out to be hard and painful, yet I could see and know the benefit right within my personal experience. I also saw for myself that craving and desire do indeed create suffering in myself. Clinging and attachment painfully showed itself through self observation, mindfulness. I realized the Buddha was right . . . I was suffering, and that suffering had set me on the spiritual search.
Little by little, I realized that itch was not a desire for more, it was not a need to understand that which is beyond, but instead the itch came from the suffering and delusion I had previously been so blind to, had covered up in various ways and habits. But the Buddhist path is not easy. I wanted to jump off many times. It takes continual vigilance, it takes understanding ethics and morality on an internal level, it takes persistence. Even so, several times I leaped, indulged in craving and clinging, and yes, suffered the consequences.
There were also teachings that rubbed me the wrong way, that smacked of metaphysical claims, and religious nonsense. I felt confusion over conflicting teachings, teachings that seemed to go against some basic Buddhist concepts. I stopped reading people’s commentary on the teachings and took a course in the English translation of the Pali Canon. I realized then that many of the Buddhist traditions (schools) had incorporated cultural beliefs and religious beliefs and ritual.You can see my blog on the topic of reading source material Don’t Be Lazy: Go to the Source. But I also discovered that I’m just not convinced of some of the teachings the Buddha gave. After all, seeing is knowing and claims of rebirth after death is not only something I can’t know, but it goes against what I am experiencing with no self.
Yet, I am not willing to throw away the practice because Buddha has proven so much to me through my experience. I’m also not willing to just accept certain teachings, but I am willing to investigate further.
I have a good understanding of mindfulness and continue to improve and refine, make it a 24/7 habit. My problem is I can see the greed, anger, and hatred as they arise, but they do continue to repeatedly arise. It’s not how I want to be. It’s not how I want to view the world. I’ve decided I need to focus my practice on concentration meditation. The Jhanas seemed beyond and impossible, even pointless. But now as I progress through this practice, I am reading how concentration is what purifies the mind. I’m curious to see if this is true.
I am also skeptical, yes. And as for the immaterial Jhanas, not only am I skeptical but I am suspicious that these are states of delusion, early metaphysical nonsense that Buddha accepted. But I am not willing to close my mind either, as so far I have no been able to prove the Buddha wrong, and there is something in the Jhanas that intrigues me in a big way: seeing the objects are mostly made of space and the rupa-kalapas, which are something like atoms.
When a scientist asked the Dalai Lama what he thought of objects being made of atoms and having mostly space, he laughed and said meditators have known this before Buddha’s time. And indeed this is what the Buddha taught. How could they have known this through seeing and knowing? I’m intrigued and compelled to explore this matter further.
But to get there I have to let go of much: fear, anger, hatred, aversion, clinging, desire. I have to learn concentration and be able to sit for hours at a time. I would think it utterly impossible except when I was on a Jhana retreat with my teacher Shaila Catherine, I did almost get to the first Jhana. I had actually experienced a quite mind. Within that silence, with no greed, anger, frustration, anxiety, boredom, etc, and with no thoughts rising, the natural feeling of calm and bliss arose, a contentment I had never experienced before. It wasn’t a state I created, a feeling I made, but instead what I experienced was what comes naturally when the mind is quiet and at peace. And even that must be let go of. Jhanas are all about letting go. It’s like the old onion metaphor, you peel away layers of angst, sadness, anger, resistance, clinging, thoughts, emotions, etc until you get to the mind’s natural state. It’s amazing how much crud we have sitting on top.
So, my intention this year is more seeing and knowing. I want to refocus my meditation practice with enthusiasm, with the idea of just seeing what happens and where it takes me. If I discover the Buddha to be correct, wonderful. If not, I will adjust accordingly.
But so far I have not been able to prove him wrong. Seeing is knowing, so I’ll find out where that leads.
Tags: Practice
