Sitting Comfortably with Uncertainty
2008 was full of surprises! Many of those events or situations were not exactly welcome or wished for and some were. And in all of that was a lot of learning and growth, and thankfully I made some interesting discoveries:
- True equanimity. It was fascinating to me how equanimity differs so much from indifference and detachment, how much calm arises, even in the face of what I considered unpleasant or unwanted situations. Equanimity can not be sought after. We cannot make it happen. Equanimity arises naturally out of acceptance and being present, being fully engaged and aware. It’s that simple and just that difficult to arrive at the place of flow, of non-resistance. It’s always about letting go.
- The emotion of sadness can be pleasant. Sadness used to be an emotion I historically tended to depress, or stuff. This year I allowed myself to sit with it and experience it fully whenever it arose. Like other emotions, it’s quite separate from thoughts we weave around it, and there were areas in the body that had a pleasant feeling tone to it. Sadness is sure not the thing I feared!
- Releasing control often allows situations to unfurl and fix themselves. Not always, but very often. And even when nothing can be resolved in the moment, we need not suffer the angst the mind wants to create over it. Letting go reaps huge benefits!
As I reviewed my spiritual resolutions from last year, I was glad to see that they had stayed in the forefront of my mind and actions through most of the year. Life situations put me to the test, that’s for sure! I had my moments of giving into anger and resentment, of feeling pissy and out of sorts, but even during those difficult times, I stayed present and on board for all those unpleasant emotions and thoughts that arose. Because of the state of presence, I was able to let go much sooner than I would have in the past. Instead of considering the year unbearable and out of control, as I might have in the past, I found it one of fascination and fodder for spiritual growth.
2008 was also a year of validation for me. My meditation practice clearly paid off in many ways, and I was witness to areas of resistance, and how it creates angst for me. Much of my reading was validated in the experience of life as I paid close attention to my reactions, fears, and those moments of equanimity.
I’ve also been witness to the process of selfing on a daily basis. This is the spring board for my resolutions this year. I want to tear that process apart, sink below it, and see what’s underneath. I’ve become aware of the many masks and clothes I wear, and little by little I, want let go of each of those. Not Self and nonduality are fascinating to me, and I can see the selfing in the fascination, the clinging of the mind to ideas, and the desire for becoming. That seems to be a good place to start, in the desire to become Enlightened.
Uncertainty lies on the horizon for 2009 with lots of potential for change, but uncertainty is life. We must meet each moment as it arises with present awareness, without getting caught up in the chatter of our idealistic, bossy minds, the emotional drama, or the clinging to or pushing away of whatever arises. I’m seeing more and more it’s in simply letting go of the pre-formed perceptions, the clinging, the resistance, and opening up to what arises naturally.
My resolutions this year:
- Deepen my meditation practices
- Be mindful of selfing, and letting go of what I discover
- Continuing to be present and not caught up in mind and emotional foo, the fantasies, and judgments
Tags: Nonduality
