Who’s in Charge Here Anyway?
Landing in a hospital bed for a week because of a failing digestive organ got me to thinking a lot about my dietary habits. This is not new for me, though. For the last several years I have yo-yo’d between dropping the junk food in favor of more healthy fare, and bounced right back to eating cheese puffs for breakfast.
But my time in the hospital brought my awareness up quite a few notches, and all this meditating I’ve been doing has enabled me to see things in slightly different light. What’s getting illuminated are processes we all ignorantly buy into in some manner or another.
That I need to improve my diet is unarguable. And this time, through intense pain and having to live without food for almost a week has strengthened my resolve and will power. Yet, I’m also acutely aware it takes a hell of a lot more than umph to change long held habits and intense bodily cravings.
As I bring mindfulness, awareness, to this whole process, it’s clear my intentions are spot on. Eating healthy foods and nixing the junk is beneficial to body and mind. No one would dispute that, except the army I have rampaging in my head and the reactions of my body.
My mission is clear: focus on better eating habits. Yet, even while that very strong intention arises, a battery of thoughts comes rushing in. I remember the flavor of cheddar cheese, can taste a slab of prime rib, feel the crunch of potato chips. Parts of my mind are saying, “No, no, all that fatty food is so good!.” “You can’t stop eating junk food!” “You’ll loose your resolve within two days!” Images of my favorites dance around in my head, goading me, trying to shake my resolve free.
Meanwhile, my gallbladder is aching from the whopping 3 grams of fat I had in oatmeal this morning. Good sense says all those thoughts are nonsense. But why is my mind so divided? Why can’t I just make up my mind about something, and have all the other thoughts disappear? And why does my body betray me by responding with these intense cravings? Who is in charge here anyway????
It frustrating, to say the least. At the worst, it could mean the malfunction of organs I can’t dispose of like I can my gallbladder. Which leads me to why the Buddha taught people to question who they really are. Which of these thoughts are really me? Is the intention for better health the real Dana, or are the yearnings for junk for the real me? How come I can’t control how my body reacts to the foods I enjoy so much, and how come I can’t stop these thoughts from tormenting me, goading me into eating something that could land me right back into the hospital? My body is in pain, yet cravings for pizza run rampant. Junk food commercials make my mouth water.
I watch thoughts I don’t agree with it. I see my intention try to reassert itself. I feel my body react to what I eat and what I think about eating. Yet, I have little or no control over all of these processes. What to do?
I’m finding the answer may lie in simple awareness. As I watch, I realize the difference in getting caught up in a thought, bringing attention to a certain craving, or simply coming back to the present and just being aware of the inner conflicts raging inside of me. I notice as I bring and focus my awareness on my intentions, the flurry of thoughts to counter come rushing in. But I needn’t follow those thoughts, give them more attention than simply noticing. If I do, I’ll identify with them. I’ll treat them as a solid me who wants such and such. I can’t stop them from continually arising, but I can be aware of them, illuminate the absurdity of their pestering.
The truth is I am the awareness that is watching how the body behaves, how the mind and emotions react, and where I choose to focus attention is what drives the path I end up taking.
But this is not easy, to be with this insanity, and just cooly observing without getting sucked in. It’s not easy to give up how I identified with Dana the junk food junkie. Obviously, subconsciously I have done that in a big way.
Habits are hard to break, and we have to start with simple observance of the many processes happening at once. We have to look at who is really in charge of this being we call a self. Can we then choose more wisely and make better decisions for ourselves? I hope so.
Tags: addiction, awareness, cravings, dieting, meditating
October 15th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
I read this post while enjoying an afternoon snack of steamed bok choi with fresh lemon juice and plain salt. Before Rowan was born, it would have been cheese puffs all the way. But he reacted badly to dairy, and then Kestrel couldn’t have gluten, and before long, I discovered healthy eating. But doing it for your kids is far easier than doing it for yourself, for some reason. I’ve seen this time and again in my mommygroups; ask a person to give up indulgence, and it won’t happen, but ask a mother to give up because her child will suffer if she doesn’t, and it’s not that big a deal.
Best of luck to you, m’dear. And since your new eating is no doubt going to collide with your Gemini nature, why not join a CSA, so that you get Vegetable Surprise every week and keep yourself challenged?